Vin Diesel is in pure gravel mode in The Last Witch Hunter. Of course! How could we not have seen that coming? It’s not like they only just mentioned it one sentence before it became important. Only a memory potion can reveal the next plot point, unless an attractive young bartender (Rose Leslie) happens to be dream walker. But shoveled into a single film each new rule only exists to be broken. This isn’t so much a movie as a pilot episode, establishing a complex world of social structures and supernatural laws that might have been amusing to explore over a long period of time. Each storyline from this moment forward comes out of nowhere, is explained away in forgettable exposition, and leads only to another random plot point and one gloomy action sequence after another. There’s a cute concept there, about elderly Michael Caine playing second fiddle to an immortal Vin Diesel, but it doesn’t get explored because Michael Caine’s character has to die, setting Kaulder on a journey to solve a supernatural mystery with Dolan the 37th, played by Elijah Wood, by his side. The next time we see Kaulder it’s the 21st Century and he’s having the time of his life, bedding down stewardesses and driving sweet sports cars and exterminating evil with the aid of his “young” priest sidekick, Dolan the 36th, played by Michael Caine. The Last Witch Hunter stars Vin Diesel as Kaulder, a medieval warrior cursed to live forever by a Witch Queen.
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